Meeting each other halfway

by Stephanie
(Arlington VA)

My husband of 8 years has Asperger's, but we didn't really understand how that affected our relationship until we reached a low point a few years ago and almost had to go our separate ways.

I always knew he was different, and that was why I fell in love with him, but I had never heard of AS until years after we were married. He was brilliant, honest, gentle, and loyal - but there were eventually times when it became very frustrating to live with him.

Some times it was like we were on completely different planets. We would argue for hours over the nuances of a particular phrase that came up in conversation - he had to be right. Or I should say, he was always right and I was always missing the point! Also, he never wanted to dream with me about our future together - anything from having kids to planning vacations - it seemed pointless to him when so many possible variables were involved. I often felt insulted and belittled. And it was just becoming so hard to explain to my family and friends why my husband was always pointing out my flaws or why he was so standoffish around them.

Anyway, this is a happy-ending story, because in an almost last-ditch effort to understand him, I started doing some research on AS and read stories of other NT wives. I was so amazed that other people may be having similar experiences. I realized that I wasn't losing my mind. And what's more, I started to understand, as so many NT wives have commented, the difference between "can't" and "won't".

Wow - what an eye-opener. I now had a name for our different "operating systems." It's not a disability at all but rather a different perspective. (Who's to say NT people are "normal" anyway?) I had learned to understand and forgive, and especially to appreciate all of the effort he goes through every day to get by in an NT world. He is truly an amazing person.

Now we talk openly about AS. He isn't ashamed of it at all, as he doesn't know how to "be" any other way, so we can tell our close friends and even joke about it.

As I've always done, I take the lead socially and out in public - for example, I often order for him in a noisy restaurant or bar. But now, instead of being annoyed, I'm just glad he was willing to brave the overwhelming situation.

He still asks me, after a social situation, whether his actions were appropriate or not, and why I did this or that, but he has lightened up on trying to correct my behavioral errors. In general, we learned to have frank, almost clinical discussions that convey information for the betterment of both of us without me taking his constructive criticism so personally.

I still have to conform to his living parameters, such as not using the bright spotlights in the kitchen (they hurt his eyes and distract him) and turning on a big fan when we sleep to create white noise, but at the same time he has learned to live with my sometimes unpredictable nature without getting angry. He limits his nonsense vocalization to the shower when I am home. We try not to use AS as an excuse for anything - but sometimes it's a good explanation that reminds us to be more understanding and saves hours of arguing.

Last night we went out to a dance club with some friends. He was so overwhelmed that at one point I found him exactly where I had left him - sitting at the table alone looking completely lost, because the people he was talking to had left. I brought him with me onto the dance floor, where he stood uncomfortably but very bravely while I danced. Luckily by now we have developed a sort of "married couple shorthand" and he was able to let me know when he needed me to get him another drink, when he needed help talking to someone, and when he was ready to leave. I wonder what my friends thought of his behavior, but overall we both consider the night a triumph - proof that our partnership is stronger than ever because we have learned how to meet each other halfway.