Your story almost made me cry with relief that I wasn't alone!NEW by: Amy
I am engaged to a wonderful, brilliant, and kind man. He told me when we first started dating that he had been diagnosed with some form of slight autism as a child, but really didn't expound further. I get the feeling his parents weren't really willing to accept this and therefore they never devoted the necessary time to work with him and nurture his social development.
We've lived together for almost two years now, and your story made me feel that I was reading my own situation in your words. From everything like light-sensitivity to emotional distance and alienation, I can understand where you are coming from. We argue all the time, and most of the time we only find resolve when I give up and let him "be right". There was even a period of time when I had to move out because I too felt so belittled and meaningless to him. My own personal interests often fall by the way-side in conversation with my fiancee because he simply cannot stop what he's thinking about to consider my thoughts. He only gets confused and upset, and then he detatches completely and can even go days without speaking to me. Yes, it is so easy to assume that he is just simply not interested in me or my life and interests, but I have to constantly remind myself that it is possible that he just can't. It isn't his fault or something he can just change...It can be associated with a kind of "selfishness" but only because its the inability to really consider emotions or sentiments outside of his immediate understanding. Thank you so much for posting this! It gives me so much hope to know that I'm not alone....and, yes, I do believe he is my soul mate, so I have faith that we will be able to find some middleground and hopefully more understanding.
Apr 02, 2012 Rating
Response to DebNEW by: D. Thomas
Since this post is a couple of years old, I am going to respond regarding my husband. Gently asking him about some of the "signs" of AS and allowing him to see that it "fits" him may be the best way to approach him. What opened my husband's eyes the most was the lack of empathy and inability to read non-verbal cues (etc). It's been a relief to him, though sometimes I think he struggles with trying not to feel "different". There are great qualities that come with Aspberger's as well... especially if they are willing to understand the differences in our needs and try to make compromises with us. (Like, we may understand that they need to have things organized a certain way and they may understand that we need an occasional hug - even if they have to make a note to remind themselves to give it to us!)
Mar 12, 2012 Rating
Tears in my eyesNEW by: Deb
I have just found out about Asperger and it gives me hope along with your story. I believe I am married to a man with Asperger. If you can share with me I would be interested in knowing how you were able to get him to look into it being a possibility. My husband thinks there is nothing different and the other people are the problem. I love him very much and want our marriage to be the best it can be. Thank you for any guidance you can offer.
Apr 16, 2010 Rating
I Applaud You by: Robert Markham
You deserve applause for staying with your husband and being able to shift your point of view -- because he cannot shift his.
My wife left me and we live in separate homes -- yet we remain married and carry on a dating relationship. Her complaints are similar to yours.
My Aspergers appears too difficult for her to cope with on a daily basis.
I do enjoy dancing and am able to do it only because I have learned the rules of how it is done. I took dance lessons at Arthur Murrays when I was younger and as long as my partner understands the principles and techniques of ballroom dancing and follows the rules, I'm okay. Ask me to do freestyle, or make up my own steps and I am totally lost and awkward and need to retreat. I don't like crowded places with loud music or lots of talking -- it is too confusing. But if I can focus on one person, such as my wife, and dance to songs I am familiar with, and if I can avoid talking to more than three people at a time -- I can stay out all night without getting overwhelmed.
It might help your husband not to get too overwhelmed if you allow him to focus exclusively on you in such situations and not force introductions upon him. If you need to talk to a third party or socialize let him know what you intend, when you will be back, and let him sit by himself. He's not there for anyone else and everyone else is insignificant to him and the background noise makes it impossible for him to concentrate on anything to say to them.
