Asperger Siblings

Raising Asperger siblings was hard to do and I struggled with figuring out how to encourage my two Asperger sons to get along better.

My oldest son was 4 years old when he got a baby brother. We prepared him well and he was happy and thrilled to have this new family member, talking about nothing else and making up names before the baby was born. After the birth of his little brother he was swept of his feet and adored him. He was hanging over the crib all day making funny sounds and smiling at the baby. When the baby grew a little older he was still making funny faces, reading and talking to the baby all day. He showed no signs of jealousy at all and I though my preparing him for the birth of a little brother must have done the trick. Boy was I wrong!

I had no idea my oldest son would be diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome 3 years after the birth of his little brother. So I knew nothing of his need to be in control of the situation, his rigid thinking or his lack of imagination. I just thought he was the best big brother in the world! Always wanting to entertain the baby. I did not see he still had control over the situation since he would seek to entertain the baby only if he felt like it. I now know entertaining a baby is not a form of social interaction. You put something “in” and get a response. Push the right buttons and you have instant success! Off course the baby will copy whatever behavior it sees so when big brother was making funny faces the baby would mimic them, make sounds or start laughing. These responses lead to new funny faces, sounds or even clownish behavior from big brother who felt on top of the world.

As long as little brothers or sisters are not able to walk or talk there was no problem at all, big brother would be in control of the situation and have things his way. However my son with Asperger Syndrome lost his control over the baby as soon as his little brother started talking back, saying no or push him away, doing things his own way without taking his big brothers feelings into consideration.

For the sibling who has Asperger this can cause a lot of anxiety. My oldest son no longer felt safe because he could not predict the behavior of his little brother let alone control it. This would make him feel very uncomfortable and he was frustrated by it all day. His anger and resentment towards his brother was at times scary. He became violent and tried to hurt him as much as he could. He would tell us every day he wished his brother was never born. We talked with both children every day, set up strict rules and regulations and no matter what the cause, aggressive behavior towards each other had severe consequences and was not tolerated in any way. The years this was going on were hard on me. It hurt me as a mother to see their incompetence to play together, share or express any brotherly feelings for each other.

They are now 12 and 8 years old and a lot has changed. Both boys have lack of imagination for the others one’s feelings which can make it hard for them to understand each others feelings and wishes. They will see the world from their point of view most of the time because that come natural to them. It took hours of explaining and role play to get them to interact properly. They are now able to play together and share some common interests. We have used those common interests to show them it’s fun to share and exchange detailed information and they have come to appreciate each other. It took some time but this approach has made a huge difference in our family life.


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